Parenting in the Time of Shootermen

A week that started with the dilemma over what to name this column—Nurture + Frolic—ended with my toddler daughter declaring, “Guns can kill you,” after overhearing comments about last week’s shooting here in Athens.

All at once, Monday’s writing woes seemed quaint, and I wanted nothing more than to dive wholeheartedly into the sweet parenting practice of nurturing and frolicking to my little one’s delight.  But, as I’m learning, the path of parenthood often insists on its own direction … winding, backtracking, whirling around round-abouts of cognitive dissonance. It’s jarring to have snuggles interrupted by talk of shootermen and giggle-fests turn to conversations about guns.

What can you do but breathe. And wait. And be there.

So when my daughter said, in her babylike voice, “Guns can kill you,” I did what I try (and try and try!) always to do with my children when they catch me off-guard: I took a deep breath, exhaled gently, and waited just a moment. Before I could confirm my little one’s new-found knowledge, she was on to something else, frolicking like only a two-year-old can.

I’d be lying if I didn’t say my next breath was a sigh of relief.

Luck was not on my side with my preschooler. On Wednesday afternoon, she’d proclaimed: “There’s a shooterman outside, and the police are looking for him. They were on my playground!” Thankfully, she was wrong about that last point, but there was no mistaking the conversation to be had on the drive home from school. Drawing on what I could recall of what the experts say about situations like this, and digging deep into my sense of mother’s intuition, I encouraged my daughter to ask her questions—all she wanted, for as long as she wanted. As simply and as truthfully as I could, I answered them all.

And here I’d believed the hard questions would be about the birds and the bees. Human reproduction seems like a cinch after talking about human destruction.

This past week, our family has practiced a few extra nights of bed-sharing, and the kids seem keen to know exactly where my husband and I are at all times. Or, maybe I’m the one who’s much more sensitive to the goings-on of my household since an angry ex-con put our town on high alert. Either way, I called an expert for reassurance and advice.

Here’s what Taylor Grove Yates,  a licensed clinical social worker in Athens, had to say about helping children cope with traumatic situations:

Let your child lead. When your child asks about the traumatic event, ask what they’ve heard. Let them say how they feel, rather than you trying to explain. Correct anything they’ve misunderstood.

Know what’s normal. At young ages, kids tend to get stuck on a topic: the same book, the same bowl of cereal. They may talk about the trauma repeatedly. That’s how they create order. Also, trauma causes them to question their world. They may regress developmentally for a short time.

Reassure your child’s sense of safety. It’s incredibly important for a child to know their world is still safe. Explain that while bad things happen, your child is safe, her playground is safe, his home is safe.

Watch and learn. Observe your child’s behavior. Clinginess and nightmares are normal responses to trauma for children. Those behaviors should be temporary. Follow your instinct about how your child seems to be adjusting. If behavioral changes are persistent, check with a professional.

Encourage expression. Children cope with fears and stress by acting them out, drawing them, and talking about them. It’s normal, for instance, to see more cops-and-guns play from children right now. That behavior doesn’t need to be discouraged. In fact, it creates an opportunity to talk with your children about the trauma.

Be resourceful. The Athens Clarke County school counselors and social workers are great resources, Yates says, especially in schools that were affected by last week’s events. Search the for books like “A Terrible Thing Happened” by Margaret M. Holmes and "Tear Soup" by Pat Schweibert. Or check with a local bookseller for titles on kids and trauma.

Finally, for families who witnessed Sunday’s memorial procession together on Atlanta Highway, the experience may stir conversations about your values and beliefs around grief and death. The general guidelines for coping with trauma apply here, too, says Yates, who’s been hearing clients of all ages talk through their feelings about the shooting in the past week. Yates emphasizes the many public and private therapy resources in town, including Advantage Behavioral Health Systems and the private not-for-profit Family Counseling Services of Athens.

For now at my house, we are watching and listening, breathing and waiting. I feel one lesson wiser in the ways of nurturing small children, and while I’m sure we'll continue to talk about shootermen, frolicking is making a comeback.