The first thing I did when I read about the shootings at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Connecticut was weep.
The second thing I did was tell myself that I would never let my children, ages 3 and 8, know that something so horrific had happened in the world that they live in.
It would be easy for me to shield them from it. We don't have cable and we never watch the news with them in the room. My 8-year-old is very sensitive and we shield him from the many horrors of the world, regardless. I didn't want something so terrifying to even enter his consciousness.
The fact the the tragedy happened on Friday gave me the weekend to ruminate on whether or not we should share the news with our sweet boy. It started to sink in that children at his school may know about the tragedy and tell him about it. Somehow, the news is always scarier, the details more graphic, when it comes from another child.
It suddenly felt like the great unknown. Would his teacher talk to the class about it? Would other kids spread the news on the playground? If he were to find out, I wanted him to hear it from us so that we could comfort him.
I began to research how to handle telling your children about a school shooting. Obviously, we would not tell our 3-year-old but most of what I read said that it would be appropriate to talk to a child over the age of 7.
With heavy hearts, my husband and I decided that we would talk to him about it Sunday afternoon. We knew better than to tell him too close to bedtime or before school on Monday morning.
I felt sick at the thought of even uttering the words to him.
When we chose to tell him, he was in the kitchen playing with his remote control monster truck. We kept it short and simple with very few details, specifically that a man with a mental illness went into a school with a gun and hurt some of the children We quickly talked about all the teachers who protected the children and told him about the kids who helped each other.
We told him that scary times like these create heroes and that the bad guy had been stopped. We assured him that his teachers would do everything in their power to keep him safe.
We also told him that not all parents of the kids in his class will have shared the news with them and that he should keep it to himself unless his teacher mentioned it. We explained that it was something that kids should hear from a grown up, which he agreed to do.
He was sad but didn't ask questions. He hasn't mentioned it again and my plan is to let it go unless he brings it up. My hope is that we told him in a way that was gentle enough to keep his small world feeling safe.
In the end, it seems that there was no mention of it at school on Monday, which was a relief. If I could go back in time and erase the tragedy from his memory, I would. Yet, I'm glad that I could be the one to tell him and follow up the news with the tightest hug that I'll probably ever give him.
Did you tell your children about the shootings? If so, what did you tell them? Did the teachers discuss with them at their school? Please share your thoughts and experiences in the comments.
Georgia Meyer
9:08 am on Wednesday, December 19, 2012
We talked about it, I didn't give a lot of detail, same kind of thing. Humans do bad things sometimes-good guys, how the school would work to protect, and though my oldest understands I am not sure the other two really do. The sad fact is our school DOES have a plan in place in case of hostile takeover or other tragedy. I assume because its a military post school they worry about it being targeted. I know they ran through a drill again the day before school released for winter break, and we received an official letter from the Department Of The Army. Hopefully they won't ever need their plan.
Leigh Hewett
10:11 am on Wednesday, December 19, 2012
It is comforting to know that the school has a plan.
John B
9:50 am on Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Not an easy discussion to have with a child. I'm not a psychologist but I would assume that if the author has shielded the child from many things due to the child's sensitivity/age, the child probably can't associate with or process the magnitude of what has happened. Could be why he didn't ask questions or hasn't brought it up since the initial discussion. I'm guessing a lot of young kids fall under the same umbrella.
Leigh Hewett
10:13 am on Wednesday, December 19, 2012
I agree. He can't even begin to understand the magnitude of what happened. Thank God! I wanted to give him just enough information to know that the shootings happened but not enough information to keep him up at night. It's a delicate balance.
Jessica Rothrock
9:51 am on Wednesday, December 19, 2012
No we chose not to. We have a 6 year old boy, and he is incredibly sensitive and would worry, what good would it do me to tell him? All we said was to listen to your teachers even when it seems not to make sense (say as in hiding in the storage closet or being quiet). A gunman coming in, my kid knowing, what could he do, he's 6? If he were older I would have or if he has questions I would as well. Its a tough situation, but his teacher has a plan and worked in Saudi Arabia for years and had seen stuff like this, so knowing there is a plan is somewhat comforting, if there is such a thing as comfort after something like this.
Leigh Hewett
10:14 am on Wednesday, December 19, 2012
I think that you handled it perfectly for your little guy.
Caroline U
10:00 am on Wednesday, December 19, 2012
I think you did the right thing, Leigh.
Ours are all still too small (the oldest is 6) and even she hasn't heard a peep about it from anyone at school. I think in your case, age 8, there is enough of a chance that another student would talk about it that I would absolutely have found a way to discuss it. And it sounds like you did it in just the right way.
Leigh Hewett
10:15 am on Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Thanks Caroline. I agonized over it. In the end, I think that we did the right thing, I hope.
Gail Moore
11:55 am on Wednesday, December 19, 2012
My oldest was 2 when her dad committed suicide. I worked very hard that day to make sure that nothing was outstandingly sad, traumatic or remarkable; life was normal.She was safe. At around 5, she began asking questions and I would just comment that he had died. At 6, the questions became more frequent and needful of a more complete answer. We consulted a psychologist on the best way to handle things, and during the course of interviews it became evident that my daughter's view of her father's death had been skewed by her sensitivity and her imagination. If children are not given enough information to process, they will fill in the blanks on their own. Sometimes that's even scarier than the reality we try to shield them from. We found that when given a little of the truth at a time, she could process it - and come back with questions. We made sure her questions were answered truthfully, but age appropriately. Sort of "in small doses."
Over the years, she came to know the full truth but there were some instances where we didn't give her the "complete" answer that made sense to her. We told her he was a sick man ... and when she got a cold, she naturally thought she was going to die. We told her it was drug related; she wouldn't take aspirin. We corrected her perception and moved on very matter of factly because it WAS part of our life.
An age appropriate measure of truth is almost always better than no information at all. Teaching children to process it is paramount.
Crystal Huskey
1:15 pm on Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Mine are too young, but my eight-year-old niece has been literally sick over it. She threw up a few times after she found out. I think it's really, really hard on some kids, but at the same time it's much better to hear what happened from your parents, in a safe environment, than at school.