Growing Up Alone in a Crowd- Adult Children of Alcoholics

I often find myself working with people who are Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA). Typically, they are only partially aware of how their childhood experiences continue to affect them (but hey, aren’t we all?) I have also noticed a trend in my practice where these same traits are seen in children who had a parent with untreated mental health issues (bi-polar, personality disorders, schizophrenia etc.)

In my professional assessment, untreated mental health issues and alcoholism are two sides of the same coin… both are mental health issues but typically only one has an addiction component.

Providing treatment for addiction and drug abuse is not one of my specialties (I leave that to my talented colleague, Shea). But, from my point of view, using drugs and alcohol is a coping skill (albeit an unhealthy one). Drinking alcohol is often used in response to anxiety, depression or when a person is having difficulty handling the stress and demands life is placing on them. There are many clinical implications of why this is a slippery slope. I won’t bother you with those details right now, I’ll simply ask that you trust me. Believe me when I say, this is not a hill you want to climb back up.

However, those who do find themselves on this hill will not hear the following words in my office: “Stop drinking. Just stop, don’t do it anymore.” Such words are not helpful when dealing with this coping skill...or many other challenges in life, for that matter. I will ask that someone try to begin to understand why they are reaching for a drink or making certain choices, if he or she is ready to examine that part of their life. I often remind clients…”You are the only person who has to get up every morning and be satisfied with the way you are living your life.”  I cannot make people seek therapy for their mental health issues, no matter how strongly I feel it will improve their lives. It’s a ghost that I gave up a long time ago. It’s a hard reality, but I can’t make people change... they have to want to. You cannot make people change, either...they have to want to. So, what happens when a family member refuses to seek treatment? What happens to the family, particularly when there are children?

When a person comes to me with a background of this nature, I am usually told how he or she was never bothered by that parent’s behavior (whatever it might have been).  Or perhaps they had been bothered, but had “gotten over it” long ago. Yet they continue to struggle with a multitude of traits that are common to ACoA’s or family members with untreated mental health issues. Since I believe education is one of the cornerstones of good therapy, I am going to share the top 3 things that I see this population struggle with in hopes that you can better understand a loved one or yourself.

Inability to Ask for and Accept Help/Love:  Due to the difficulties experienced by a child with an alcoholic parent, these individuals find it challenging to ask for/accept help and love as adults. As a child, they were often let down by those who were supposed to protect them and the disappointment and hurt experienced often leaves deep wounds and high defenses. Therefore, it is easier to stay isolated (including when in a marriage) and protect their happiness at all costs, even if it means sacrificing a healthy relationship.  

Black and White Thinking: When a child is growing up with a parent who is an alcoholic, often times they must quickly assess and judge the environment in front of them to keep themselves emotionally or physically safe. This forces them to categorize things into “safe or unsafe”, “good or bad”. Over time, black and white thinking begins to apply to people (including themselves), as well. For a time, this way of coping may work for the child (or grown adult), but if someone they interact with begins to switch back and forth between these “good” or “bad” categories, it can cause a new grey area filled with uncertainty and anxiety. They will either strive to develop a way to cope with this new unease (often by ignoring or shutting the emotion down completely) or they will remove the person from their life.

The Pendulum Swing:  This stems from “Black and White Thinking”. As an adult, they feel they are either living the “right way” (the exact opposite of what they saw while growing up) or the “wrong way” (the same/similar way they were raised). Having worked so hard to avoid that grey area which brings them so much anxiety, they’ve never been able to find their own personal middle ground. However, living with the extremes of “right and wrong” makes for its own anxiety-provoking situation. Therefore, the pendulum swing causes the same insecure and uneasy feelings that the person is trying to escape.

Many people wait until their anxiety and distress are so great that change becomes a far better option than staying where they are...but, they often endure a lot of heartbreak while they wait.

If you find yourself identifying with these issues and struggles, please know that you don’t have to wait for complete heartbreak before seeking help. You can begin now. You are not alone.

Please visit the Resources page of our website for more information on how you can seek help.

Until next time, good health to you and yours…

Amy