This post was contributed by a community member. The views expressed here are the author's own.

Health & Fitness

Something is Still Wrong in the State of Oklahoma

PART 2

EXHIBIT B---The Sinister Name

            We’re going to keep on talking about Red Lobster for a couple more weeks. 

Find out what's happening in Athenswith free, real-time updates from Patch.

 

            I know that lobsters come in all different colors…when they’re alive and in their natural habitat, which is not the aquarium in the lobby of Red Lobster.  But, once they’re ready to be eaten, they are all red.  Have you ever eaten a blue lobster?

Find out what's happening in Athenswith free, real-time updates from Patch.

            There’s no green lobster.  There’s no purple lobster.  Why do the proprietors of evil feel the need for the redundancy of naming their place Red Lobster?  Do they think that it somehow makes their restaurant more appealing?  If their hypothesis (known in the scientific community as “Darden’s First Law of Capitalization on Human Stupidity”) is true, then why didn’t The Colonel name his place Kentucky Fried Off-White Chicken?  How come the fake diner chain with a drive-thru isn’t called Brown Steak & White, Brown, Pink or Some Other Color Shake? 

            I know that I’m dissing hucksters, but, being a mild hypocrite myself, I have to admit that I’m a huge P.T. Barnum fan.  He was basically a scam artist, but I want to emphasize the word “artist” as much as the word “scam.”  P.T. Barnum perfected the circus.  The man invented the Wild West show (He was a pioneer in the lucrative field of American Indian and midget exploitation.).  He gave a semblance of job security to professional carnies, and that ain’t an easy feat to pull off.  

           One of his famous scams and memorable lines came to posterity when he accidentally wound up with an abundance of white salmon.  Barnum knew that most people expected their salmon to be pink, but he’d wound up with the wrong color fish.  He could have just sold it at a reduced price, but, instead, he took out huge headlines in the premier newspapers of the cities in the ramp-up to the arrival of his circus into town that “guaranteed” that his salmon would never turn pink.  That’s genius…and a little bit evil…just like Red Lobster.

            RED Lobster?  That’s like proudly claiming that you serve orange carrots.  Of course the lobster is red.  There’s no other color of lobster.    

Exhibit C---The Barely-Hidden Hurricane of Lies They Call “The Menu”

                There’s at least one asterisk* on the menu of every Red Lobster in the country.  Usually there are multiple asterisks.  They appear right after the listing of some of their meat choices.  And, if you scan the menu, looking for the fine print, you discover that the asterisk(s) refer to a sentence so rife with litigious idiocy and down-the-rabbit-hole lunacy that I couldn’t have made it up. 

                *“These menu items are cooked to the level of doneness you request.” 

                I swear to God, that’s the line.  Check it out the next time you get dragged to Red Lobster.  It’s there.  Despite the fact that cooking meat to the requested level of doneness has been a standard part of the eating out experience since the first guy opened the first have-it-your-way camel restaurant in Mesopotamia, Red Lobster feels the need to remind you that you can order a steak cooked to your liking.  They also serve food on round things they call “plates.”  Momentarily laying aside the fact that doneness is a strange word (but it is in the dictionary—I checked—so I can’t really make fun of them for this one), I have no idea why Red Lobster put this disclaimer on the menu.  Most other chain restaurants print some sort of legal acknowledgement which admits that eating undercooked meat might kill you.  McDonald’s tells you that their hot coffee is indeed hot (they added that after being sued by a lady who put a scalding Styrofoam cup of beanie juice between her legs and was shocked when, after she spilled it, it hurt).  Grocery store packages of peanuts are legally forced to print the phrase “Contains peanuts” on the back of their sacks.  

           We’re living in crazy times.  It’s been at least twenty-five years since common sense gave up its American citizenship and moved to Scandinavia.  Even so, I can’t believe Red Lobster prints this on their menus.  Are the non-asterisked menu items cooked to whatever level of doneness the cooks feel like that day?  Can I not request that my French fries come medium-rare?

We’ve removed the ability to reply as we work to make improvements. Learn more here

The views expressed in this post are the author's own. Want to post on Patch?