What Our Past Presidents SHOULD Have Done for a Living

            OK, we’ll make it a reverse chronological thing.  Sure, hindsight is 20/20.  It also makes buying pants an uncomfortable experience.  You can only wear those old-timey pajamas with the button backs…but we’re not here to talk about rectal glasses.  We’re here to change history through the benefit of my God-like abilities and the knowledge that not all of our past commanders in chief were really particularly suited to the job.

George W. Bush---should’ve been a professional college mascot.  He could’ve traveled to burn wards or mental hospitals, danced, thrown candy corn to the crowd, operated a tee-shirt cannon, and gotten the roaring applause of approval he never got from his father in a way that killed a lot fewer Middle Easterners who already didn’t need a reason to get pissed off and take their shit out on America, and this would’ve given him the opportunity to make millions of people happy without having to shred either the Bill of Rights or the English language.

Bill Clinton---should’ve been the mayor of Chatsworth, California.  It’s so obvious.  In case you’re Amish or female, that’s the city where they make the majority of American pornography.  As mayor of Porntown USA, Clinton still could’ve given inspirational speeches, made erudite and mildly witty references, given the world some much needed relief from its daily grind (some pun intended), commanded an armada of the willing, not inhaled, or, hell, inhaled if he wanted to, pissed off his wife in much the same manner, not had to give us NAFTA or embarrassing impeachment-saving half-apologies (When was the last time a porn king had to apologize for anything?)... and he still could’ve made Arkansas proud.

George H. W. Bush---this is a toughy.  He looks a lot better as president in retrospect, but only when compared to his offspring.  I think he should’ve sold home vasectomy kits on late-night television where he was, of course, not only the president of the company but also a client.  He could’ve been a traveling high school to high school lecturer on the dangers of improper child rearing or the importance of not giving a damn what the guy who writes Doonesbury thinks about you.  He could’ve been the dean of ITT Tech, putting his political and covert tactics to use spreading useful technical skills to the youth of America.  It would’ve created more jobs than NAFTA (shared fault with his successor).

Ronald Reagan---should’ve been a guy who sits outside of the feed store telling stories about how old wooden roller coasters are vastly superior to the new metal ones, or how penguins have been looking a little shifty lately, or how the world is worse off now that fewer places serve bubble gum ice cream, or how it’s not easy to ride llamas, or how forks and spoons and straws should really just be one big utensil, or how test tubes should be made in more fun colors and then kids would want to learn more science, or how you never see an Eskimo and a professional wrestler in the same room so, logically, all professional wrestlers are Eskimos.

Jimmy Carter---should’ve been our ambassador to Neptune.  He’s one of those presidents who just got the historical shaft—gas lines, the Iran hostage crisis, his localized dental gigantism.  All of these things were not his fault.  That’s not to say that other things, like trade embargoes and his own sense of innate doofusness weren’t his fault.  But hell, Vanilla Ice could’ve won an election if he were running against Gerald Ford.  Carter should’ve been your uncle.  He still could’ve taught you valuable lessons, made you do charity work after you got arrested toilet papering your junior high school’s janitor’s house (and after he’d had a serious conversation with the judge in his chambers and they’d come up with a decent humanitarian way to make you work off your debt to society). 

Gerald Ford---should have been sent to an alternate dimension where his presence wasn’t necessary.  He, too, would make a pretty decent uncle.  He’d be the one who makes bad jokes about Eurasian orphans and women drivers.  You’d always shake your head and chuckle when Uncle Gerry opens his mouth, but you’d tolerate his accidental racism and outdated pop-culture references because you’d know that the planet Earth is only his vacation home.

Richard Nixon---should’ve been a Cambodian dictator (yes, I get the irony).  He still could’ve opened up China without giving them the idea that they should buy American debt.  He still could’ve been bumfuzzled as to why his own people hate him so much, but this way he could’ve legally had them tied naked to the back of a rhino and run through the streets while Spiro Agnew made astute commentary about how poor people are funny when they’re in pain.

Lyndon Baines Johnson---should’ve been the conflicted, self-effacing former teacher that he was, but his crowning achievement job should’ve been his retirement job as a host in a strip club men’s room.  He still could’ve integrated the people, allowing black and white stripe club patrons to liberally sample cologne and buy plastic combs.  Fortunately for the world, he might not have been able to institute a military draft and send people to Vietnam if his office was in the crapper at Fandango’s.

John F. Kennedy---should’ve been president.  I don’t care how much Joe Kennedy was a slimy douchebag or how much residual Kennedy afterbirth we’ve all had to stomach, JFK was a great man.  I could make fun of him, and for the sake of fairness, should, but he’s J-F-effing-K.  People actually liked him and he did some good stuff.  I know some of the others did a few good things, too (LBJ was actually the president when we passed the Civil Rights Act, “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall” was pretty effective since they really did tear it down, PAYGO is good, Obama upping gas miles per gallon auto standards is good), but JFK was just one of those presidents who makes you want to have been alive during his time.

Dwight D. Eisenhower---should’ve been the Supreme Allied Commander of the naval forces in his childhood bathtub.  That way D-Day would’ve been a lot more, what’s the phrase, non-suicidal.  I mean no offense to any “Greatest Generation” veterans.  Thank you for winning the war (we all owe you a debt of gratitude that is impossible to repay), but seriously, Eisenhower was the head dude with the entry plan into Europe.  We could’ve invaded Europe from so many other ports, other directions, other entry-points.  It’s been done before.  As admiral to a bathtub armada, he still could’ve given rousing speeches to the shampoo and soap, still could’ve sent spy planes to Russia (and by Russia I mean the kitchen), and he still could’ve warned the sink and the toilet about the military-industrial complex (that way it would make sense that we ignored him).

Harry S. Truman---should’ve operated moonshine stills.  He still could’ve put people in their places.  He still could’ve blown some shit up.  He still could’ve been a constant reminder that he ain’t quite the same as that other guy who sat in that rocking chair before him.  And I bet Harry would’ve made some killer moonshine.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt---should’ve just stuck to the fireside chats, and by that I mean that he should’ve been a voice coming through the massive amounts of static on early radio that provided you with eerie comfort, even though you don’t know who he is or why he’s talking to you.  In other words, he should’ve been a ghost from another dimension telling stories while desperately trying to get you to lean close enough to the radio to be able to jump into your body and inhabit your human form. 

            I’d continue, and a part of me wants to make it an even century, but honestly, nobody knows history anymore and so making fun of Herbert Hoover and Warren Harding is like shaving a loving tattoo on your dead pets before you bury them.  It’s cute and the pets don’t care that much, but it makes no sense to anyone other than the voices inside your head.