Taking Big Bird Out Back

I want to thank the candidates for clearing up my complete misconceptions about
our country's troubles and our political system. Apparently, we as Americans are
simply too dense to understand what is important.

Somehow I erroneously believed that our debt, and particularly the part of it we owe to China, was a product of massive, run-away government spending. But it was Big Bird all along. I also believed it to be the result of wasteful and lavish spending by large corporations with government contracts, but learned this week it is tied directly to The Cookie Monster and his affection for cookies. I am now aware that it has nothing to do with billion dollar bonuses for CEO’s or the bailouts we provide them--which amounts to government subsidized perks for the rich and infamous.

I was under the impression the enormous salaries we pay the U.S. Congress and the U.S. Senate were somehow contributing to the national debt, but it turns out that Mr. Rogers was actually the enemy. Funny, I never heard Mr. Rogers speak Chinese.

I was stupid enough to believe that the insane state of the welfare system might be influencing the ongoing Chinese financing of America. Many people are already calling for welfare recipients to be drug tested before receiving benefits. Do these people understand how much such a program, if implemented, would cost? It would cost more to drug test them than it would to simply pay the benefits.

The next asinine thing I expect to see on the social media is this statement: A government study was released today which found that welfare recipients spend their days, stoned watching Big Bird and having sex, all at the same time.

Of course, the conservatives hate PBS and their brand of political propaganda, and I don’t disagree that they are biased, but like Republicans and Democrats, they are a necessary part of our system. They are also a necessary part of our educational system.

Many children arrive in school without the basic knowledge needed to start school. How much worse would it be, without NPR, PBS, Big Bird and all his buddies? Cutting funding for PBS, which is minuscule, would be like driving a stake into the heart of our educational system to stifle someone who disagrees with you politically.

I think that Romney will regret allowing his statement on Big Bird to escape his mouth for the rest of his short political career. I’m not saying I think Obama should win. I’m saying he will win.

The worst part of this, and the part no one wants to admit: The average American does not understand taxes.

Many believe them to be some sort of government savings account and treat them as such. Many wait with crossed fingers for their yearly refund, hoping it will buy them the car they need or pay for a family vacation. Most people listen to the horror stories about SSI and pray for its future, but have little understanding of it. The healthcare system is so complicated that many who have insurance would rather pay up front than try to wade through the muddy complicated waters involved in filing the paperwork.

Americans pay for insurance, but the system is so complicated and mired with false claim rejections that it can hardly be used by anyone without a degree. That will be the next prominent American rip off and lie. You’ll need a degree to file or sell insurance, which will drive the costs even higher.

Doctors now hire people to file insurance paperwork. If they didn’t, they would never get paid. If you pay for insurance, shouldn’t the company help you file and make sure your doctor gets his money so you don’t end up having to pay anyway? I remember when they called this customer service.

The fact that this Big Bird thing has become a key campaign point proves everything I’ve been saying for months. All politicians are relatively the same, and all of them will talk about everything, to avoid talking about anything. A debate that cost millions and is so crucial should never be allowed to turn into a political quagmire by Big Bird. I am truly scared for America. 

My point is this: Americans may not understand the overly complicated systems, designed as smoke screens, to keep Americans in the dark, but they do understand Big Bird. Anyone who believes such a ludicrous idea like Big Bird is bad for America is drinking the equivalent of broccoli-flavored Kool Aid, and the worst part is, he will convince others that it tastes yummy. 

The candidate who threatens to take Big Bird out behind the barn is the one who loses in America. Sorry. The one who goes out back to stop the raised fist wins. Wait and see!!!